Tell tale pants

There are times in Tobacco Control when something so ludicrous comes along that it’s impossible to caricature it. Take this nonsense for example. I must confess I had to look at the calendar to see if it was April 1st, but guess what, no it wasn’t.
This it would appear is genuine. Like most politically correct crap that infests our society it will eventually paddle its way across the pond from the US and dump itself on our shores – much to the delight of course of the rabid mouth frothing anti-smoking zealots.

Just like quangos here in the UK which are awash with tax-payers money, it’s more or less the same in the US only it’s the Universities that gobble up tanker-loads of money from hard working people. The University of Alabama is the recipient of $402,721 (approx £270,000) from the National Institute of Health (NIH) for a 3 year study being run by Dr Edward Sazonov and associate professor, which so far has produced a prototype of a monitoring system that (you’ll love this) is in the form of a pair of under pants which when worn can tell when and how often people smoke, and how deeply smokers inhale.

So rather than ask people how much they smoke and expect honest replies under controlled conditions then these pants will supply that information which will then be fed to a computerized data base. Fuck me almighty – eh? What kind of sick shit is this? I bet our Dr Sazonov was salivating at the prospect of getting this loot for such infantile bollocks – or perhaps he was wetting his pants eh? Oooh matron – no pun intended.

The idea of this paranoia with smoking crap invention is to eliminate the need for self-reporting about how much people smoke, so that improved smoking cessation strategies can be forced upon the poor hapless and beleaguered smoker over time. I’m not sure how this would pan out on a practical basis in the real world. Anyway, when you’re going for balls out prohibition then everything is up for grabs – right? Demonise, harangue, and persecute for the sheer hell of it, why not – after all nobody will care will they?

He was asked if he will be applying again for grants when this tranche of funding ends this summer, Dr Sazonov replied, “We definitely want to continue with this research, yes.” I just bet he fucking does – hell, would you jump off the world’s biggest gravy train when you didn’t have to?

But does he intend at some stage that people be forced to wear them so that monitoring can take place to satisfy the sick heads of tobacco control? Will smokers be herded into specially built centres; you know something akin to WW11 nissen huts…for their own good you understand. At first the whole thing might be voluntary, but if that doesn’t work what then…legislate?

But there is one glowing advantage though and it’s a big one. Maybe this twat and three-quarters can tweak the pants so that every time you light up they’ll give you a blow-job.
Or how long you do think it would be before this nutty cunt would have this light bulb idea…fitting them to babies nappies so that they can detect if parents are smoking when handling their babies at any time and anywhere. Oh man, isn’t that beautiful…ha, ha, ha the possibilities are endless!

Listen…I’m going outside to whack my head really hard against a brick wall…care to join me?